Loneliness

Loneliness to paraphrase is simply an unpleasant emotional response to perceived isolation. Loneliness is also described as social pain - a psychological mechanism which motivates individuals to seek social connections. And is often associated with lack of social connection and intimacy. There are many signs of Loneliness which may include the inability to connect or make friends on a deeper level, having no close or best friend, feelings of isolation regardless of your environment, withdrawal and not venturing out and having prolonged periods of time spent alone. Long term loneliness may also bring self doubt and self worth to the fore and lead to mental health concerns such as anxiety and depression.

There is a remarked difference from occasional loneliness and continued feelings of loneliness, let's be honest, we have all experienced loneliness even in a crowded room, out with a group of people or whilst watching TV with loved ones, this feeling could be rooted in feeling uncomfortable with our surroundings, disconnected to those we are in the company off, or maybe the feeling of being uncared, but these feelings often pass, these are very personal feelings and may differ from person to person.

Continued feelings of loneliness and chronic loneliness can be quite debilitating, furthermore the more we continue to feel this way the less confident and able to make the changes we need can hinder us overcome feelings of loneliness. But let's not confuse being alone from loneliness. Ok so lets really unpack and explore the differences. Being alone, is simply with yourself, many choose to live alone and spend time alone, this does not equal loneliness, many people live full and active lives living alone, because they have good connections with others, colleagues, family and friends, they may feel love, cared for and respected, they are perfectly happy in their life, they may be outwardly active and have many interests yet choose to live alone and often quite happy and content in their own company. Loneliness itself isn't a mental health problem, however the two are linked, for example having a mental health illness may increase your feelings of loneliness, if you are socially anxious or have a social phobia and avoid social settings this may increase the inability to make new friends and have deeper connections with others, which may result in limited or no close network who care and show care for you. A catch 22 situation with many wondering what came first anxiety or loneliness.

However, loneliness can be thrust upon us, if we relocate and lose our social network, change jobs or go off to university and have to make new friends. In later years and older life we lose friends through ill health or old age. Many elderly people live solitary lives, with a large proportion lacking the capacity of leading active lives and therefore become isolated from people and activities once enjoyed. Sometimes, families are not close by and cannot frequently visit, which can compound feelings of loneliness. There are more people both young and old living alone than ever before and some of those situations coupled with life events can make a person feel continually lonely. Other social stresses can cause loneliness such as bereavement and relationship break-ups. And others feel lonely at certain times of the year such as Christmas time which may hold negative memories rather than positive ones, especially if loved ones are no long around and/or spending Christmas time alone.

Some people may experience constant loneliness even with a good social circle, and however much they try they have these deep feelings within them, this could be more about how that person feels about themselves and a lack of self-confidence rather than a situation they find themselves in. So how can we manage our loneliness.

Tips:

• Don't compare yourself to others and take it slow, be kind to yourself, don't rush into making new friends or putting plans into action like joining online meetup groups, do what feels right for you at your pace in your own time.

• Peer support services might be helpful for you to understand and learn what others have experienced and how they navigated through it. Befriender services or online communities are a good place to start or try your local community groups.

• Making new connections can come from interests, activities, new colleagues or joining new local activity groups, book reading groups, joining a gym or simply joining a local pub quiz group.

• Try to open up and talk openly to someone, you never know they may have felt like you once upon a time and being able to speak openly will make you feel better.

• Talking therapies is a great way to explore how you feel and understand why you are feeling that way, it could be that you discover there is more to your loneliness than you first thought and with knowledge you can make a plan to tackle those matters. This might be a lack of self-confidence, social phobia or anxiety. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) might just be the ticket to help you focus on how your thoughts, beliefs and attitudes affect your feelings and behaviour.

• Be you, believe in yourself, it is important not to compare yourself to others, with the rise of social media it sometimes makes us feel worse about our life but just remember as described in one of my earlier blogs, social media is a snippet of time, not how someone constantly lives their life. Afterall we all have to eat, sleep and function, no one is forever sipping cocktails beside a pool. It's often staged for a 'look at me' pic. So if social media makes you feel worse, maybe its time to log off and make some changes. But just be you, don't worry about what others are doing.

• Selfcare, you whole being, sleep well, eat well and exercise well in healthy proportion will boost your confidence and self esteem, increasing both your positive mood functions through the release of happy endorphins. Be kind to yourself and treat your self with love and care.

• Animal care, animals are renowned for making us naturally feel better and give great companionship. If you can't have a dog due to work commitments then why not become a volunteer dog walker at your local dog rescue. Again a common interest can open doors for connection with others and the animals with give you an abundance of love.

• Volunteer work, giving back to a good cause can be so rewarding and at the same time you will meet other volunteers who are like minded, it's a great way to meet new people and make connections in a kind and caring environment.

• Avoid alcohol and drug use, these are unhelpful coping mechanisms that will lead to further mental health complications.

If you know someone who is possibly lonely, or an elderly person who is home alone often, why not befriend them, show them you really care, pop in and say hello, ask them if they need anything from the shop when you are going, kindness is free to give and could really make a difference. And help is not far advise contact Samaritans by calling 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org or suggest seeking appropriate professional support via their GP. More information can be found on www.nhs.uk

This blog is in support of Mental Health Awareness week 9th - 11th May 2022.